Laughter best meds?

[Carl]

 
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
Taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
The party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
Is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his
Clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
Back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
Red with little hearts o n it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
You your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
Steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...
What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind You fell
Over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
And got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
And so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
She tried to take your pants off, you screamed,   
  "Leave me alone, I'm   married!!"

Broken Coffee Table R539.99
Hot Breakfast R44.20
Two Aspirins R0.78
Saying the right thing, at the right time. .
 
PRICELESS!!!
 

[Greyghost]

     On my 66th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

 

      After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my certificate to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder,warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected...You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3.  When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you  want."

 

      I was encouraged...As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'  he responded.  "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

     I was very eager to see if it worked so I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom...When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

 

     My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes...Just before she joined me in bed, she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

      And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

 

     ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE.

[Greyghost]

   Paul, this ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!  It did wonders for me.
 
    =================================   

 
Tech  support:    What kind of computer do you have? 
  Customer:    A  white one...
 


    ===============
 


Customer:    Hi,  this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:   Have you tried pushing  the Button?
Customer:    Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech  support:    That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:    No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry...
 


  ===============
 


Tech  support:    Click  on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer:   Your left or my left?
 


    ===============
 


Tech  support:    Good  day. How may I help you?
Male  customer:    Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on  'start'  for me and....
Customer:   Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
 


    ===============
 


Customer:    Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'.  I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
 


    ============== =
 


Customer:   I have  problems printing in red..
Tech  support:    Do you have a color printer?
Customer:    Aaaah....................thank you.
 


    ===============
 


Tech  support:    What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:    A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the Kwik Mart.
 


    ===============
 


Customer:   My keyboard  is not working anymore.
Tech  support:   Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:   No. I can't  get behind the computer.
Tech  support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK!
Tech support:   Did the  keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes.
Tech support:   That means the keyboard  is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer:   Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work.
 


    ===============
 


Tech  support:    Your password is the small letter 'a' as in  apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer:   Is that 7 in capital  letters ?
 


   ===============
 


Customer:   I can't get on the  Internet.
Tech support:    Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:   Yes, I'm sure. I saw my  colleague do it.
Tech  support:    Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:   Five dots.
 


   ===============
 


Tech  support:    What  anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:   Netscape.
Tech support:   That's not an anti-virus program
Customer:   Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
 


    ===============
 


Customer:     I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I  move the mouse, it disappears.
 


   ===============
 


Tech  support:    How may I help you?
Customer:   I'm writing my first  email.
Tech  support:    OK,  and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:   Well, I have  the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
 


    ===============
 


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a  problem with her printer.
Tech  support:   Are you running it under Windows?
Customer:   'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his  printer is working fine.'
 


    ===============
 


And last  but not least...
 


Tech  support: 'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list  in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program  Manager.'
Customer:   I don't have a P.
Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:   What do you mean?
Tech support:   'P'.....on  your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:   I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[Ex-Dutchman]

The Reunion

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

“I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in from America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”.

“Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the American.

“I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman, “after all, he’s been away for a long time”.

“I wonder if he’ll recognize you?” said the American.

“Of course he will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away at all”.

[Ex-Dutchman]

The Wonderful English Language

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

[coppertone]

Boys in the tuck shop ....

The boys are pushing and shoving in the tuck shop queue: and then the tuck shop teacher hears one of the boys say "jou ma se @#*$"
She is outraged - and sends him off to the headmaster's office.
The headmaster asks him: "So what did you say?"
"Nuuthing Meneer"
The teacher heard you swearing"
"No Meneer"
"Well, What did you say?"
"Meneer - the guys was out of order.. So I jus tol them 'you maasen poesh'

[Carl]

THE PIRATE"

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said :

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender: 'Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate: 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really...'

Bartender: 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate: 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.'

Bartender: 'You're kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?'

Pirate: 'It was my first day with the hook..'

[Ex-Dutchman]

Going to the Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “One of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!”

[Carl]

 An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small
 country
 town and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

 He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

 Kiwi: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

 Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

 Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And
 takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the kiwi)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me
 down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***** liar'.

[Sanchez]

SOUTH  AFRICAN BOERESEUN
 
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone rings.
He hangs up grinning from  ear to  ear and orders a round for the whole bar
announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg  baby  boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but  the  South African just shrugs and says,
'We make 'em big back home folks.  My boy's typically South African'.
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar. Barman says
'We were going to call  you,  everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg
son weighs now, so how much does he  weigh now?'
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is puzzled
and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already weighed 12kg  on the day
he was born'.
The South African  father  takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer, 
wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans and  says:  'Had him circumcised boet'.

Pa se kind !!!!   

[Carl]

SOUTH  AFRICAN BOERESEUN
 
A South African Boertjie is drinking in a London bar when his cellphone rings.
He hangs up grinning from  ear to  ear and orders a round for the whole bar
announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg  baby  boy.
Nobody can believe the weight but  the  South African just shrugs and says,
'We make 'em big back home folks.  My boy's typically South African'.
Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard.
One woman even faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the South African Boertjie returns to the same bar. Barman says
'We were going to call  you,  everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg
son weighs now, so how much does he  weigh now?'
The proud father answers that he now weighs 9kg's. The barman is puzzled
and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already weighed 12kg  on the day
he was born'.
The South African  father  takes a slow swig from his long neck Castle beer, 
wipes his lips on his khaki shirt, leans and  says:  'Had him circumcised boet'.

[Sanchez]

   

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The boy said, “You got a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

 

Stole that one and forwarded it to a few preachers. 

[Ex-Dutchman]

    

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The boy said, “You got a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

[Ex-Dutchman]

Inexperienced

A young preacher who was new to the community was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery.

There was to be no funeral, just the graveside ceremony, because the deceased had lived so long he had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service.

As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, “Do you think we should tell him that’s a septic tank?”

[Ex-Dutchman]

A Well Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school together many years ago.One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Have you had a nice life?”

“I have lived a well-planned life,” her old friend responded. “My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third husband was a preacher, and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”